Tuesday, November 18, 2014

7 November 2014

بِسمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحمٰنِ الرَّحيمِ


Its been a while since the last time aku blogging and suddenly aku rindu blogging. Tempat aku nak luah segala apa aku rasa. Tonight I am back, to share stories of my life again.

7 November 2014, a date that I will never forget. A date which my nightmare came true. A date that I wish I will never go through. I don't know if I can make it till the end of this entry but I start to feel the heat as am writing this. Semoga aku tabah sampai akhir entry ni. At least I let it go tonight.

around 6.30 am, I received a call from my eldest sister. I just woke up a little bit late than usual. Selalu pukul 6.00 am dah terjaga dan akan sebut 5 minit selama 10 kali kat husband. So on that gloomy Friday hujung-hujung speaker phone aku the moment I answered the phone one word yang betul-betul make my world stop spinning "Abah dah takde!" *hang up* I scream out loud!! "Yang baba dah takde! what should i do yang?" my husband hold my hands and said "bangun mandi kita pergi rumah mama.". Aku cuba bangun, aku jatuh, lembik lutut. Kaki ni macam tak pijak lantai. "Allah, dugaan apa Kau bagi aku kali ni?"

pukul 7 lebih aku sampai rumah mama. Aku tak boleh nak fikir, aku termenung, menangis, termenung. Selalu rasa dekat je rumah mama, entah kenapa kali ni aku rasa perjalanan aku panjang. I was lucky to have my husband with me. Sampai rumah mama, depan rumah ramai orang, dalam rumah semua tengah baca yaasin and I saw a body laying on a mattress belong to baba. Masa tu I was hoping everyone will say its just a stupid prank. Swear to God, I'm hoping its not true. As i'm standing in front of him mama buka sikit tudung yang tutup muka baba. Ya Allah, kenapa? Apa salah aku? Kenapa tak bagi aku jumpa baba at least for the last time, at least one last time untuk aku cium tangan baba?

At that moment, aku blame diri aku for not seeing him for more than a week. I was busy and that particular day, I was excited to finish my work so I can see them later on. That's what I told my husband on the night before. Tapi my plan hancur the moment I saw his body, laying, not moving, not breathing. I'm stupid enough for not realizing that his time is limited. Tapi baba tak sakit. He was ok, sempat celebrate anniversary my sister malam tu. Sempat joke with everyone.

Masa tu, semua orang yang jumpa dia on that week questioned us what happened to him because he was ok. Percayalah, bila sampai masanya, Allah nak kami pulangkan baba pada Dia balik. Walaupun sebelum ni dia pernah sakit dan sampai tahap kami adik beradik redha kalau tuhan nak ambil dia, tapi he survived.

Aku tenangkan hati aku, aku cakap dengan diri aku "Dah sampai masanya baba berehat dengan tenang. He's been through a lot since past few years.". The moment I saw his face, Subahanallah, baba macam tidur. Mata terpejam rapat, mulut tertutup rapat sama macam muka baba bila dia tidur. Masa tu aku mula redha. Aku teringat yang baba pernah cakap dengan aku few weeks before dia tinggalkan aku "abah dah penat, abah nak rehat. Boleh tak abah cuti?". I answered him "tak boleh ba, nanti baba sakit.". He said "mungkin bila abah dah takde nanti baru abah boleh rehat." Long paused. I want him to end it there. Jangan cakap macam tu dengan aku. Aku tak puas bermanja dengan baba.

Sungguh, at this moment aku rasa macam tekak aku perit, macam tercekik. Teringat kata-kata baba. He tried to give me the sign tapi aku tak paham.

Dalam pukul 12 lebih, bilal masjid (terima kasih ustaz kerana tolong kami adik beradik sepanjang pengurusan jenazah. Guide my brother all the way sampai lah ke kubur) datang dekat kami and tell us he's taking our dad ke dalam masjid sebab Friday prayer after that terus nak sembahyang jenazah. He will close the casket it will not be open sampai kebumi. Ustaz suruh kami adik beradik, keluarga untuk cium jenazah untuk terakhir kali. Aku tak nak lepas baba, aku nak cium baba puas-puas. Berkali-kali aku cium baba and the last time I kissed him I said to him "Wait for me ba.". The moment he closed the casket, I know I have to let him go for real.

Selesai solat jenazah, hujan renyai dan makin lama makin lebat. Kami doa banyak-banyak semoga semuanya berjalan lancar. Sepanjang jalan hujan yang turun seolah-olah hujan yang menangis, menangis sama dengan kami sekeluarga. Selesai kebumi dan talkin, menderu hujan turun. Terima Kasih Ya Allah, terima kasih sepanjang perjalanan yang telah Kau permudahkan. Istimewa betul arwah baba.

Aku orang terakhir yang nak tinggalkan kubur baba. Aku masih tak percaya di dalam tu tertanam tubuh baba. Aku terfikir macam-macam masa tu.

As of today 18 November 2014, aku teramat rindukan baba. Rindu yang tuhan aje yang tahu. Aku tak mampu nak menangis macam orang lain. Aku hanya mampu menangis bila aku duduk sorang-sorang. I cry like a baby. I was hoping aku dapat jumpa baba dan peluk dia someday. I kept few of his cloths. Kain pelikat baba tempat aku lepas rindu. Aku peluk, cium seolah-olah aku peluk baba. Aku terlalu rindu. Terlalu rindu.

Ya Allah, janganlah kau siksanya di dalam kubur, Kau luaskanlah kuburnya. Kau tempatkanlahnya di dalam golongan hamba Mu yang beriman. Kau ampunilah semua dosanya, Ya Allah. Aminn.




No comments: